Y'know I was reading an article over at Limmy's blog on Fathers 4 Justice today. Everyone's seen their shameless self-exploitation on the news, tying themselves to public buildings like retarded dominatrix's in ill fitting superhero costumes, brazenly seeking media attention for their pseudo-quest. Quite honestly they've gotta be the worst campaign group I've ever heard off.Anyways, it got me thinking... what if Superheroes were real?
If we woke up tomorrow in a world were men in leotards were regarded as saviours and special constables could fly instead of walking around looking confused, I doubt there would be a collective celebration of their arrival. I reckon they would be viewed with the same suspicious eyes that Trainspotting anoraks are today. People everywhere would be asking... "Is the Hulk a Paedo!?"
With our nations oversensitive approach to sexual harassment these freaks would most likely spend half their time in court defending their novel, hands-on approach to law enforcement:
SPIDERMAN IN BREAST TOUCH SHOCKER
"Before I knew it my chest was covered in his wrist butter."
Again for all the benefits that come from having your entire genome spliced with a Wildebeest there's gotta be some drawbacks right? Does Spiderman ever get stuck in the bath, does Batman ever get caught in someone’s Barnet and has Wolverine ever ended up in A&E after having a drunken wank?
Imagine the incredible... the amazing... Dogman! The ability to smell criminals from miles away with his astounding superscent, then chase them down with his prodigious canine-stamina. To be honest, he's more likely to sniff your arse, then do a shite in your slippers.
And while I'm at it, for all the lucky bastards that get bitten by cool animals such as spiders and lizards there'll always be someone that gets bitten by Badger, or a cat with AIDS. "Look everybody it’s Salmonboy, with the ability to save people from drowning... well only if they're upstream, and the power to taste nice... smoked." I'm sure for all the people bombarded with Gamma rays that turn into a giant green monster, there'll be a few people whose only side effect is, well, Cancer.
Fuck it, maybe it would be brilliant, maybe the costumes wouldn't look gay as Christmas. I'll tell you though, if I was ever able to incorporate a superhero archetype into my life. If I was ever given the choice to be "Special," you know what I'd be?
With our nations oversensitive approach to sexual harassment these freaks would most likely spend half their time in court defending their novel, hands-on approach to law enforcement:
SPIDERMAN IN BREAST TOUCH SHOCKER
"Before I knew it my chest was covered in his wrist butter."
Again for all the benefits that come from having your entire genome spliced with a Wildebeest there's gotta be some drawbacks right? Does Spiderman ever get stuck in the bath, does Batman ever get caught in someone’s Barnet and has Wolverine ever ended up in A&E after having a drunken wank?
Imagine the incredible... the amazing... Dogman! The ability to smell criminals from miles away with his astounding superscent, then chase them down with his prodigious canine-stamina. To be honest, he's more likely to sniff your arse, then do a shite in your slippers.
And while I'm at it, for all the lucky bastards that get bitten by cool animals such as spiders and lizards there'll always be someone that gets bitten by Badger, or a cat with AIDS. "Look everybody it’s Salmonboy, with the ability to save people from drowning... well only if they're upstream, and the power to taste nice... smoked." I'm sure for all the people bombarded with Gamma rays that turn into a giant green monster, there'll be a few people whose only side effect is, well, Cancer.
Fuck it, maybe it would be brilliant, maybe the costumes wouldn't look gay as Christmas. I'll tell you though, if I was ever able to incorporate a superhero archetype into my life. If I was ever given the choice to be "Special," you know what I'd be?
The Invisible Man.
Yup, I'd be a super pervert.
Yup, I'd be a super pervert.
1 comment:
"is the Hulk a Paedo?"
Well it would explain a lot- his anger is most likely bourne out of frustration.
Basically, "HULK BUM CHILDREN!"
"BUMMING CHILDREN BAD!"
"HULK SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED! MUST SMASH STUFF"
You get the picture
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